spacegoons blog

blogging extemporaneously

Full spectrum love

I had an interesting conversation with a friend recently. We talked about the way he sees girls having expectations that everything is always smooth and happy in the relationship and their interactions are perfectly synced and understood. And if not, the tension kicks in and then it stops being fun.

happy love

It made me reminisce about the multidimensional, natural, ebb and flow I experienced in my 15 year marriage. As a girl, I never actually had expectations of a happy ever after, I didn’t have a plan, or a goal, or a dream for my future love life. I didn’t read instructions, polls or quizzes, I never prepared in any conscious way. Growing up largely unaware of my physical existence and with a built in, strange, warped brand of self, I was conditioned somehow to be blissfully unaware of superficial connectedness to others around me. Because of this, when it came to relating to people, I simply let myself dash in and enjoy the adventure, parsing the slices of the experience later on, when it was over already.

My dear, late husband had a gripe about the Hollywood’s version of life’s happy ending, he even wrote a blog about it. He believed that American cinematography promoted a dreamy, pseudo reality and quasi love and life story telling. Most often the movies portrayed a couple working up the anticipation to the “ever lasting”, ever magnificent, first kiss or sex act. And then what. FIN!? What happens after the first kiss, he exclaimed, completely annoyed! Life does not end in that moment, it only begins, the low down and dirty shame, which is for some reason hidden, in the shadows, closeted and embarrassing! But why?! This bizarre timing and lack of reality in big screen story telling drove him to explore and fall in love with independent, foreign film and Noir genre. He used to say how, often, in foreign films, especially in noir, you first experience a big event or a kiss, and then the story is told. This is where he felt, the juice of life began, the honest, deep intimacy, the messiness of physical existence, the true devotion, commitment, and unconditional love, in spite of us, just the way we are, snot and all.

Casablanca-Bogart

I remember when I met my husband, for the first time in life, I felt that I was able to be myself completely, and let go, be naturally funny, whacky and creative, to feel comfort when I was around him and have a sense of ease in every way in life, just for knowing he was in it. There was no pretense, no game, expectations, just raw, honest, stripped to the bone total love and intimacy. We fit each other like a hand and glove. It just clicked and flowed in synch with one another, on a path to some amazing life adventures, without brakes or restrictions. We felt like we were on the top of our proverbial worlds, merged into a powerful, solid team… we had each others backs, and hands and hearts, and we were invincible. In our time together, we handled all of life’s little and big, pleasant and not, surprises and we ran through the full circle of life’s wheel of fortune. What made ours a superb connection, worth every minute of every day of those 15 years, was not the pretty, idyllic photo ops, nor proper birth announcements, nor a perfect house with a fence and a horse, nor people’s opinions of us or our life together, it was the unbreakable love we shared, the trust and deep understanding we had, the unconditional love and commitment to each other and our journey together. And it was punk rock!

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I am pleased to know that in 15 years, and to the day of my husband’s untimely death, we have ran the gamut  from many emotions, life events, death, birth, people, jobs, promotions, careers, education, emancipation, through loss and wisdom. Through it all, we never lost sight of our love, our connection and our trust in each other.

Did we expect only happy, uninterrupted times in life together? Absolutely not! What happened was imperfect, real, messy, deep and precious and I would not trade my full spectrum love for any mythical, happy, relationship brand I’ve been sold, ever!

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Categories: Love and Lore

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